February 26, 2011

It's Complicated

Grief is a complicated matter.

It is especially so for those of us who have truly experienced it at its worst. Losing a child qualifies, I think.

Having a dead baby puts me into a unique category of people. They're out there, somewhere, though they don't talk about it much, and they have experienced what I am going through in some manner or another.

Most people who are close to me, those who love me and are hurting for me and so forth have not had an experience anything like mine. They have no knowledge of the kind of grief that I now know first-hand.

Some of them pretend to be experts. They inform me that I should be done with my grief. They've decided that I choose to feel grief. They believe that I should change my perspective, come out of it, and get over it.

This tells me that they do not understand a single thing about grief.

I don't choose for my emotions to overwhelm me. I do not choose to be attacked by myself when least expected. I do not choose to be angry over nothing. I do not choose to cry. I do not choose to lose sleep because my thoughts run rampant. I do not choose to have my loss thrown at me and shoved in my face every day, multiple times. I do not choose this fight.

And yet here I am.

You see, everyone else, they are affected. They have emotions that are caused by this situation. They have been fighting as well, only their fight is pretty much over. Compared to mine, it hardly exists. They suffered, but from an indirect hit. They've fought their fight and had ample numbers, superior implements, and they have won swiftly and easily.

I, on the other hand, am engaged in a war...one that has multiple battles over varied terrain and in poor weather conditions...and I will be fighting, to an extent, for the rest of my life.

There is a huge difference, and yet some believe with all that they are that I choose this for my life...that I am still experiencing grief because I am choosing to. They have no experience in these matters, as this did not happen to them, but they are the experts.

I find that extremely frustrating.

And yet, they are not to be swayed; they will not listen; there is nothing I can do to even begin to explain how things really are.

On the other hand, there are those who, if they do not hear from me in a day or two, assume the absolute worst. They think I am suicidal and that my life is in ruins. They have no confidence in me. They believe I will fail.

Part of my life is ruined. My life as I knew it, my life as I thought it was going to be is ruined.

I am not ruined.

How am I supposed to deal with all of that? Is it not enough that I am dealing with my baby girl, Addison Leigh, being buried in the ground far, far away? Is it not enough that I have that loss, that devastation, that waste to deal with?

I cannot deal with all of the experts informing me that I am doing this wrong. I cannot deal with those who assume that I am ruined and will fail. I do not know how to deal with them and quite frankly, I spend most of my effort dealing with losing my baby girl.

I want to stop having to focus on what others are thinking of me. I want to just focus on dealing with my grief. When people inundate me with "expert advice" and their own personal worries, it sucks me out of whatever progress I've made and plops me down right back at the beginning all over again.

It is a war, people. I am the general. I am in the thick of it; I have first-hand knowledge and know better than most what is needed, what works and what does not. Right now I have too many politicians, cabinet members and commander-in-chiefs in the war-room spouting at me. If it continues, then they'll be right, all of them: I will fail.


I'm probably going to take a break from the blogging and face-booking. I won't be gone, just not so present. I will write about what I need to in order to heal. I am not climbing the closest bridge in order to jump, nor am I choosing to have grief. No one chooses to have a dead baby; therefore, no one chooses to have the grief associated with it.  Please let me grieve.  It is healthy and it is the only way to heal.


EG said...

I'm glad you have the blog to journal if that's helpful to you. But if it's hindering, by all means take time for yourself. Maybe all this technology is a hindrance in a time like this. Maybe you need to cocoon for a while.

Brianne said...

I can't believe someone would dare suggest you snap out of it. That sounds a bit nutso.

Debbie said...

Blessings to you. You own this grief and are entitled to deal with it as you see fit.
I can't imagine anyone telling you to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps". My "expert" opinion is that it takes quite a while to grieve and to not go through that process is more harmful than not.
Take care and know I am thinking of you, a lot.

K.P. said...

Love you! You are right. We'll be here when you get back. Praying for you as you fight.


Fashionably Late said...

I just stumbled across your blog and read this entry first. I know nothing about you except that you have gone thru what I consider to be my worst nightmare. I wish you strength and courage on your journey thru it.

I think you are absolutely right - no one can tell you how to grieve or when to stop grieving. Take your time and heal properly...you're on the right path. Time and support are the only things that will help. Wish we knew how much time that meant, but you'll know when you get there.

[IMO, the people who think you should stop grieving are those who just can't deal with the emotions they get when witnessing others' grief.]

Spencer said...

i really don't know what to say. I have a boy whom I really love so much and just the thought of losing him put me in a lot of grief, even in tears. I hope you all the strength and blessings to get through your upheaval.

MJ said...

I randomly found your blog, and all I can think of to say is: Thank you for sharing.

Grieve. Be angry. Feel what you need to feel and acknowledge it. Screw the idiots who tell you how you should be feeling. They have no idea. I have no idea, either... but I couldn't read your post and not leave a comment.

Anonymous said...

Just stumbled across your blog, you will be in my thoughts. I will pray that you get all the strength to deal with your grief.

Kyra Faith said...

I stumbled across this blog today and my hope for you is that your grief will be a bridge for you. When I say that, I mean that we all cross bridges in life that take us to new places. We come to the bridge and it is not one we can turn back from, so we must cross it. My hope for you is that as you cross this rather lengthy bridge, you will see some sights along the way that will open your mind to the new horizon before you in a way that will bring you peace and strength for the rest of your journey.

L Garcia Muro said...

I can't even begin to know what you are going through, but I do know that God is there for you, He will embrace your broken heart and will walk with you to give you comfort and strenghth as you walk this dark journey of life. "He will swallow up death forever, and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces" (Isaiah 25:8) my prayers are with you as you heal.

Sphinsa said...

People who are not allowed to feel their own feelings are ticking time bombs waiting to explode. Please live and express your feelings. That is the best favor that you can do for yourself. http://aquaponicsinaction.blogspot.com/

Life is like that said...

You started with grief is complicated............ i think grief is personal and you have full right to feel the pain and take your time dealing with it............

Leejean Stanger said...

I just found your blog like others here. You are right. Everyone grieves in their own way. I feel your pain having lost my own baby boy. You are not alone. You will not fail. God is real, He is aware of us and will help us through these hard times. Many just do not understand, and how could they having never been there. I have found that usually they are not trying to hurt me with their insentitive comments. They just don't get it. Good luck, and God bless.

Leejean Stanger said...

I just stumbled upon your blog. I understand what you are saying. We lost our baby boy a year and a half ago. You are right. We must grieve. It's a healing step. everyone grieves differently and must be given their own time. You will not fail. We are stronger than we think, and God is real, He loves us and will help us through these hard times. You are also right in that those who have not experienced losing a child may not understand. I have found that usually they are not trying to hurt me with their insensitive comments they just don't get it. But you are not alone. Good luck, I am willing to talk about it if you ever need to. I'm on FB. May god bless you.

Anonymous said...

Grieve however you need to grieve. Cry, scream, yell at God, be angry, throw things, curse, punch a wall, talk about your daughter. Your feelings are not wrong, they just are. That hole in your heart will never go away, and that's ok. One day it won't hurt as bad, but it will never be gone. Those people who try to tell you to move on, get over it, or get past it? They aren't bad people, they just don't understand what its like to have your heart ripped out. Whatever you do, just don't isolate yourself with your grief.

I've been there. Sometimes all you can do is keep breathing. They say your only responsibility after a loss like that is to survive. Don't give up.

EG said...

Just thought of you today for some reason. Hope you're well.

SaysMindy said...

Don't tell anyone tell you how to grieve. You are being strong and I greatly admire how you are beign so intensely honest.

Jackie Conley said...

I found your blog by using the go to next blog button. I figure it wasn't random as I have been thinking of my own loss so much lately. It's been ten years now on Oct 5. He wasn't a baby but he was MY baby. He was only 17. I do pretty well most of the time but it seems that even if I don't consciously try to I find my mind goes to the fact that it's coming up to that awful time again and i think what were we doing at this time ten years ago and why wasn't I fully appreciating him for how amazing he was. I want to share this with you. This I have learned after all this time. I should have been more attentive to his sister after his death. I thought I was but I now know looking back that I was just robotic. i think I was absolutely numb for the first year. I wish i had recognized that I didn't look more closely at her needs and took her behavior at face value. I'm sharing b/c I think you have a daughter still. Am I right? I'm not trying to tell you what to do. Only sharing what hindsight showed me. I also found my faith to grow. When there is no where else to go and nothing else helps you realize that in the cold dark night of the soul He is there. You aren't alone like you thought. His Grace is sufficient just as he promised. Maybe it's only sufficient for that hour you are living but right now...that's all you need, you have Him for each hour as it comes. He said i will never leave you nor forsake you and he surely won't. he stands at the door and knocks for anyone who will let him into the door of their heart where he will work wonders of peace. it's still so very hard but when you know that your precious child is in his hands and you are sure of your place beside her there is a sense of just biding your time until that day when you are together where he always intended you to be. Who knows why our children die. I have tried to puzzle it out but still have no answers. i've come up with various theories over the years for our particular case but still I have prayed over and over and have told The Lord that the first thing I will ask when I see Him is why. Please remember that you have so much support out here from people you've never met in this awful club of people who've got the shared experience of loss. Don't think that any feelings are wrong...they are what they are and you can no more help them as stop breathing. If ever you wish to talk I would be so happy to share with you. Just contact me. I'm home all the time just about. I hope that since your post you have begun to see a little light. if not-whatever.. It's still just whatever is going to be. Hang on girl.

Rae said...

I came arcoss your blog and happen to stubble across this perticular post. Im sorry for your lost and I think its brave of you to share such a personal thing on your blog, stay strong. Ive recently lost someone I loved and will continue to love because I know I have wonderful memories, again stay strong and I dont know you but im such your a great person. Thank you for sharing this speacial post, RIP to your baby <3.