October 26, 2010

Complete One-Eighty

Last Tuesday I went to my doctor's office for a check-up and ultrasound.  I had gained four pounds in the last two weeks (ack!), but everything else was great.  I got to see the little one all crammed in there.  The heart was beating at about 145 and the weight was about 5 and a half pounds.  Also, we finally found out that we were going to have another little girl.

Then the doctor asked if I'd like her to check me and I said go ahead.  I was already dilated to a 2 and 50% effaced....at which point she told me I probably wouldn't make it past 36 or 37 weeks.

Um, hello?  I was 35 weeks and 4 days at that appointment.

Jeepers Creepers.

So, I came home, called Rocket Man over in Russia and shared the news.  Then we told Miss Thing that she would have a baby sister.  Oh, was that good, because she told us "Just like me!"

On Wednesday I took her with me to shop for some clothing.  We looked all over the store and purchased a bunch of items.  Some were for now and some for months down the line since we'd need to take about a year worth of clothing back with us.

Miss Thing kept going back to a pair of newborn pajamas with snowmen on them.  She would take them off of the hanger and bring them to me and put them on her "baby sister".  They were "Juuuuust right!"

Thursday or Friday sometime Rocket Man and I talked on the webcam and I was able to show him everything that I had purchased.  I had two sets of matching pajamas, one for winter/Christmastime and one with a polar bear, which is appropriate for Russia...whether they live there or not.  I told him that in the next few days we would need to get the portable crib out here and pack bags and do all of those things since Saturday I would be 36 weeks and the doctor thought I might not last much past then.

Friday evening I noticed that she wasn't moving around as much, but her back was most definitely facing out and when this happened earlier in the pregnancy it just meant that all of the movement was much more difficult to sense.  Saturday morning was the same, so I broke all of the rules of Gestational Diabetes dieting and drank part of a real soda (egads!) to see if that would make her move a bit more.

We headed up to the pumpkin patch with Miss Thing that morning (post and photos to come) and I was walking around the whole time.  I still wasn't really feeling much, so when we returned I headed to the doctor.

I got to the hospital and they took me to a room and tried to find a heartbeat.  The nurse said she was getting blips here and there but she wanted a doctor to check because she wasn't sure that it wasn't me that she was picking up.  He came in and hooked up an ultrasound machine and there she was on there.  Looking absolutely perfect with all of her body parts...

...except that one wasn't moving.

There I was, 36 weeks, with a completely formed baby who looked great and who could absolutely survive outside of the womb at that stage...

...except she couldn't.

It had been four days since I had seen her little heart working and pumping.  Less since I had felt her moving, since I had poked on my belly and she had poked right back.

Everything changed.

All of our plans to accommodate bringing this little piece of us into our lives were suddenly void.

Instead I was calling Rocket Man and waking him in the wee hours of the morning to tell him that I was at the hospital and not for the reason we all thought I would be.  Instead of telling him exciting and happy news I had to devastate him.

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We are doing well, all things considered.  There is no explanation; there are no answers.  I am okay with that.  This thing, this event that is now taking place is not one anyone wants to experience, but it happens.  It just...happens.

Right now I am scheduling the necessary occasions: labor, delivery, meeting our little girl, burial.  Aside from meeting her, I am really not looking forward to much of it...and even that will be a mixed bag of emotions.

We are planning to induce on Thursday morning.  We will have a viewing on Saturday morning and will go straight from there to the graveside for a short service.

*********

I am sure that I will write about this more; it will help me.  I don't know what I will say and I imagine it will run the gamut.  I'll try to remember to put a disclaimer or something up so that if anyone doesn't want to read it they don't have to.

In my opinion, this is very much about whatever someone needs, which is how I feel about all of this.  If someone feels like they need to cry, so be it.  If they need to scream, that is fine.  If they just need to be there or if they need to not be there - whatever is needed and everyone is different.  None of it will bother or upset us at all because in a situation like this, what else can you do besides react however you need to?

We've all gone from anticipating a very happy event to now anticipating something that is unthinkable.  It is definitely a complete reversal and extremely surreal.

I'll write again when I can.  Or maybe just when I need to.

7 comments:

kspag said...

Dear Paige,
Our hearts are aching for you and Matt and little Elena. Thank you for sharing... it must be so difficult to do so, but perhaps it helps just a little to share the pain of it all. You're in our thoughts and prayers for God to bring comfort at this time of suffering.
Love, Aunt Kathy

Cathological said...

Oh Paige. I just don't know what to say, except that a part of my heart is completely for you and your family today. Sending tears, prayers, thoughts, and strength your way.

Brianne said...

I don't know what to say other than you're right, this is unthinkable. My heart goes out to you all.

K.P. said...

Love you! I will gladly read along as you run the gamat. It will help me know how to pray!
(((HUGS)))

Renny said...

I am grieving for you, Paige. Thinking of you often, and praying for you and your entire family continually. Love and hugs to you...

EG said...

Hi - I don't know you (friend of Marisa's, linked to your blog from FB, was in the MVs) but I want to pass on my condolences and let you know I'm lifting prayers for you and your family.

Unthinkable is the word, and I'm glad that you've found that writing will help you process everything.

Ashley said...

Paige I just read your facebook status and tried to make sense of everything, so I jumped on your blog and read more. God there are no words. My heart is so sad for you and Matt. I will pray and pray for you guys....I don't even kno what else to say. I'm just SO SORRY.