January 21, 2011

Perhaps I Should Clarify.

I do not think that I caused this to happen.  I do not think that it is my fault.  I did nothing to make this happen.  I did not want, wish for, believe I would have or pray for a dead baby.


And/or: Duh.

It IS what happened, though.  I DID have a dead baby.  My body, with some help from Matt's, made a baby, grew it, carried it for 36+ weeks, and in the end what it produced was a dead baby.  That was the end product.  So my body failed; it absolutely did.  Operation: Have A Baby was a compete and utter failure.

Unless of course someone thinks that having a dead one was the implication in that mission statement.

Let me assure you that it was not.

So I get to feel like by body is a failure.  Whenever I want to.  A whole, entire, two legs, two arms, torso and head all attached dead baby came out of my body.  I carried her, dead, inside of me for a whole week.  Then I went through labor for eight hours and I delivered a whole, entire dead baby.

A beautiful, pink, muscles tensed, ball of live screaming baby was supposed to come out.  One that cries and sighs and sleeps and eats and poops.  One that makes me happy and want to tear my hair out, one that grows and smiles and does all of those things that makes everyone love and want to hold babies.

Instead a whole baby body came out of me.  A completely silent baby.  One that was all floppy and neither felt nor looked nor smelled anything like a baby.  Instead of life there was skin falling off, blisters where she had taken on water, a very bulbous and deformed head and blood seeping out of her nose.  Her ears were bent over, never to be straight, and she was completely the wrong color and smell.

Epic failure.


In addition, I have not done much in this world.  Yes, I am a mother.  Of one little girl and one dead baby.  I do not define myself entirely by that job that I do.  I do it and that is that.  To be clear, I do not mean anything negative to anyone who's great satisfaction in life is that of being a mother.  Everyone is entitled to their own "this is what fulfills me" thing.  Being a mother is not who I am.  It is something that I do.

And let's see how that's been going:

My child cries every day.  Usually there is some screaming involved.  And some throwing herself bodily somewhere.  Occasionally, or more often than that, this occurs in public.  Regardless, my child cries every day.  Every day.  There is something wrong with that and since I am the primary caretaker, since I am the mother, that failure falls to me.

Just in case you're thinking that way, no, she does not cry because she has a dead sister.

However, she does occasionally say things like: I just want to hold my baby sister.  I just want a baby.  I just want to be God (because we had to give her little sister to Him so that He can take care of her).

Also, now that she witnessed my sadness at the graveside, etc., she constantly asks things like: Are you happy?  Are you mad?

Yes, mad.  Why?  Because if I tell her I am not mad, then she proceeds to do something, anything, that she thinks will make me so.  Isn't that awesome?  That is the kind of person I am apparently raising.  One that looks for ways to upset people.

Again: FAIL.

Please do not misunderstand me.  I know (do I ever and more than most) that I am incredibly lucky to have my one living child.  I am just also acutely aware that right now I am totally failing her.  I am not sure how I am, but it is abundantly clear that I am.  Which is why it is a failure: I don't know what I am doing wrong so it isn't like I'll be able to fix it or change it.

And no, I am not talking about grief because overall I am doing okay there.  People think that if I have even one negative thought that it must be because of my grief from having a dead baby.  Um, nope.  If you knew me before then you know that I am not all sunshine and rainbows.  Nor am I all storm clouds and tornados. I'm just normal.  And I feel all of the things that normal people do.  If something I feel is not on the happy side it is not always going to be"because of grief".  Sometimes, but not always.

I get to have not-so-happy thoughts.  I get to have more than some people and less than others.  I get to have them.  I do not have to show this facade of happiness all the time just because people will assume that if I am unhappy is it solely because I had a dead baby.  Sure, that makes me sad every day.  But it is not the only driving force in my emotions nor is it my only emotion.

I guess I am just trying to say that I am normal to feel these things.  Not strange or depressed or in need to psychiatric help - I'm a normal person feeling completely normal things in regard to my life as I live it.

Again, please do not assume or misunderstand me.  I like my life.  I enjoy living in the cold, cold north.  I like living all over the world.  I am very lucky to get to do so.  But let's get real.  It is not I who makes these opportunities available to me.  It is my husband.  So while I like and enjoy my life in the world very much, I am also very aware that nothing that I have done has made this happen.  I am living this life by default, by hanging on his coat-tails.  It is like cherry-picking in basketball.  Not a grand appreciated thing.

So that is how I am feeling right now.  I think these thoughts and feelings are normal for me.  In my life. Doing and experiencing what I do and experience every day.


Brianne said...

Re: riding the husband's coat-tails. I totally feel that too. Before I met him it was I who made my life, took care of myself and yes, I am happy to be on this adventure and know that my role at home with kids is important, but it's not all of me and it scares me that if something happened to him I would be completely lost. I wish I wasn't so dependant. Also, re: your little one asking about your mood. N did that too for a while and I think it is a developmental thing. I also think all kids do things to make us mad... on purpose... because sometimes they're all jerks. From what I hear 3 is worse than 2 so it looks like we're in for a bit of a crappy ride for the next year or so. Sorry.

EG said...

Ugh, your daughter is at such a hard age. We can all just do our best and hope we don't ruin our kids too much. Or that they can afford the therapy bills to figure out we're the source of all their issues. :)

Britney said...

Lady, I love you and I fully support that whatever you feel you feel and you should never be ashamed to feel those things. They are a part of you and being strong enough to express them and not just put on the happy face that people expect makes you MUCH stronger than most people.

And, I would like to comment on your comment about riding your husband's coattails. Paige, where you and your family are in life is directly due to your actions and decisions. Matt might be the one whose job got you to Russia but he certainly didn't do that on his own nor could he or would he want to. Don't diminish your part in your life. And personally, I think it's quite a wonderful life (and yes, if that annoys you to hear me say, you can punch me next time you see me :) ) and I know you know that. It's just hard times right now. I'm always around if you need an ear. I love you and am a lucky girl to call you family. Hugs, lady.